Distortion
by idioticonion
Summary: When Dr Horrible's latest invention goes terribly wrong, he inadvertantly creates a rip in space/time, bringing through a beautiful, if deadly, vampire. Spoilers for: Buffy S3,The Wish,HIMYM Season 1,The Wedding Dress


**Distortion**

**1. Willow vs Dr Horrible  
**

There was a flash, an explosion and the gun bucked hard against his shoulder, sending him staggering back, coughing and spluttering as tiny pieces of plaster rained down from the ceiling. Billy coughed, adjusting his goggles. Before he could even see straight, he was already mentally tallying up the list of improvements that he could make this his latest ray gun.

One: Fix the recoil - it kicked like a mule.

Two: Recalibrate the distance ratio - it really shouldn't have rebounded across the room like that.

Three: Make it actually _work_.

This was possibly the fifth time he'd tried to build his Fiendish Dimensional Vortex Ray (FDVR!). Usually his experiments didn't suck _quite_ this hard.

The gun gave off a whine, there was a "whomp" noise, like the air pressure had changed in the room, and then the power flickered out. Billy waved his gloved hand as the smoke cleared, leaving a shape in its wake. A girl-shaped shape. A leather-clad, girl-shaped, laughing shape.

Wow. Great laugh. Now _that_ was a memorable laugh.

"Hello?" He said, uncertainly.

"And what are you supposed to be?" The girl purred, sashaying up to him, swinging her hips, her tongue darting out between her ruby-red lips to run across her pearly-white teeth.

"I'm uh… uh….?"

"Doctor Uh, by the looks of it…" She grinned and got really close. She smelled bad… rank… like a butcher's shop. Nasty.

In all likelihood, she was E.L.E. affiliated. Was she here to talk about his application?

"Yes…" Billy tried to take back control of the situation and _not_ stare down her clevage. "I am Doctor Horrible! As well you know!" He lifted his chin and struck a heroic confident villainous pose.

"I'm Willow…" The girl said, her voice low and husky.

He didn't recognise the name. "Er… Hello?" He tried. She leaned in, very close (personal space! Eep!) and started snuffling him, starting at his cheek, her lips brushing over his earlobe and down to his throat. "W-what are you d-doing?" Perhaps this was an E.L.E. initiation thing? He didn't believe half the stuff Moist said, but what if he was right after all?

"I'm hungry…" The strange, evil, leather-clad girl said.

Wow, she had nice hair. Nice… red… hair… He slipped off one glove and reached over to touch it but she grabbed his wrist before he could get there, moving lightning fast. _Useful superpower_, he thought, while simulatneously trying to twist away. Boy, she was strong! Captain-Hammer-strong.

She nipped his neck, her sharp teeth breaking the skin.

"Ow!" He said, in protest, grabbing his neck with his other (gloved) hand. "Don't do that!" Billy could feel his eye begin to twitch. "Seriously! OW!"

Something really weird was happening to the evil-girl's face. He tried to take a step back but she had his arm in her iron grip and he could swear he could feel his bones rubbing together.

"That's not a good…" He began, then there was a "whomp" noise and a bright flash and he went suddenly both deaf and blind for about five seconds.

When the world returned, the crazy girl was gone and he had a nosebleed.

All in all he considered himself pretty lucky. Billy wandered over to where the FDVR had fallen on to the floor and picked it up, examining it. Where had he gone wrong?

The last thing he needed right now was distractions. Even pretty red-headed ones.

Perhaps he needed a break? He sighed. There was that laundry that needed doing.

**2. Willow vs Barney Stinson  
**

"Whomp!"

Barney closed his eyes and wiggled his jaw. That was weird! He just had the strangest sensation, like when you're on an airplane and it's getting all turbulent.

He swallowed a few times and stuck his fingers in his ears, turned around and-

"Lily?" He said, almost swallowing his tongue.

There she stood, Lily Aldrin, in the middle of his apartment, in his god damned fortress of Barneytude, and she was dressed like the last dominatrix in the sex club.

What the f-?

"Doctor Uh?" She said, turning around and around. She smiled - slowly, seductively. He'd never seen her smile like that before.

And, ok, that costume was totally making him hard.

She pulled out a leather whip from her belt.

What… UP!

"Lily…" He laughed nervously. "I don't know what this is about and I don't care. I mean, god… look at you! But what about Marshall? Seriously, that guy could kill me with one punch. There's just no way I'm gonna… Mmmmph!"

She strode over to him and kissed him hungrily, full on the lips, and maybe she bit down because suddenly he could taste blood. Normally, he wouldn't object to the rough stuff… he _really_ wouldn't object… his hands ran down her sides, over the tight leather, cupping her pert buttocks… gaaaaa… He was kissing her, his tongue battling hers and she was so _keen_…

He broke away, a little breathless. God, he'd fantasised about this moment so many times (so many awesome hot showers…) but he'd never imagined it being like _this_…

"Lily…" He squeaked as she roughly squeezed his ass.

"I'm Willow…" She said. "You kiss better now. Dress better now. Like your new place…" She looked around distractedly.

"Lily, have you taken something…? You can tell your uncle Barney, mmeeep!"

She cut him off with another savage kiss, which trailed, hot and hungry over his jawline, across the pulse of his jugular and she bit down-

"Gaaaaaaahhhhh nnnnn mmmmm ah….." He became more and more inarticulate as she began to _suck_ on him (he could feel it, bright pain followed by a low, throbbing pleasure) and she reached out and grabbed the bulge in his pants, massaging it as he mewled, helplessly, in her arms.

Whatever she was doing, it felt so _good_ and screw Marshall, screw everything because he never, ever wanted her to stop-

"Whomp!"

Without Lily/Willow holding him up, Barney crumpled backwards on to the floor, the world suddenly an aching, thudding hell. He lay there for long minutes, just staring at the ceiling before putting his hand to his neck.

Wow, he was bleeding quite a lot. He really should find his iPhone, call 911 and get himself fixed.

Or… Screw it. First things first.

Barney reached down into his pants and grabbed his dick, jerking himself off before he had the chance to do something totally lame. Like bleed to death.

**3. Willow vs Travis Cleveland**

"Whomp!"

Willow staggered, trying to regain her footing. Her ears ached.

This was just… _boring_ and _stupid_! She was hungry and she wanted _food_ not to be thrown around between dimensions.

What was this? Some kind of magick? The same guy had been there each time - but different. She realised that now. First the ineffectual scientist guy, then the other one - he tasted better. He'd wanted her. He didn't seem to care that he was her dinner.

Now where the hell was she?

Some kind of loft. It was late - dark outside - but there were bright lights, floodlights, set up. She could smell a human, in the corner, and hear a click-click-click-ing noise.

Willow stumbled forward, into a chair. She was still disorientated.

"Zoe? Is that you?" A voice shouted.

A dog began to bark.

"Iris! IRIS! Stop that. It's Zoe, that's all!"

The dog bounded over and Willow turned around and bared her fangs, flipping into game-face in an instant. The St Bernard whimpered and scurried away, it's tail between it's legs.

Willow fingered her whip as she sensed the human approaching. Her eyes adjusted quickly to the shadows and she could see him clearly, yeah, that guy again, but his hair was longer, he'd grown stubble. He grinned as he hefted a camera, taking photographs of something or other (she guessed a sculpture but it could just be a pile of garbage) as she crept up behind him. He smelled sweet and warm. Happy.

She hadn't tasted happiness in a long, long time.

Oh, the elixir his blood would become as fear overtook him. She longed for it.

The whip flicked out, catching the man around the throat and she yanked him towards her. He stumbled against her but she caught him easily.

"What the hell!" He said - not angry, just confused. He thought this is a joke.

Willow switched to game face, bearing her fangs.

He tried to struggle away, of course, but she held him close. He looked like he was going to cry as she pulled him closer, closer, her mouth watering. She ran her fingers under his necklace, pulling at it viciously so that it broke, the beads falling to the floor like hailstones.

"Please…" He said, and it turned her on to hear him beg... Delicious! "Please don't- I can't! I can't leave Zoe and the baby. Please…"

Well… she'd fed well on the other one. Maybe she'd let this one live a little longer? He looked like fun. There was a lot she could do with all the electrical equipment in this apartment. And the camera may not be able to capture her image but she could take lots of mementos away to show Xander when she got back home to Sunnydale…

If she got back home…?

If these magicks managed to throw her in the right direction…?

Willow let the man go. "What's your name?" She hissed. She liked to know the name of her food. It was so much more fun when you played with them if you could use their name. It seemed to upset them a lot more, scare them a lot more.

"T-Travis," He gulped hopefully, clearly thinking she had relented.

"I'm Willow!" She leered. "And I'll be killing you this evening!" She tilted her head back and laughed, lashing out with the whip again as he tried to make a break for it. She got him around the wrist this time, pulling him towards her before letting him go.

Reeling him in… Like little fish. Like a little guppy. She'd had guppies once, when she was human.

They'd all DIED.

Willow let out a scream as she pulled him in again, all at once, and shoved him back so that he fell on to the hardwood floor.

She licked her lips, slowly, carefully. Watched him swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing. Watched him see his death in her golden eyes.

"I'm going to keep you alive a loooooong time, Travis-"

Then the world went dark.

**4. Hail to the king  
**

"Sorry 'bout that!" Mumbled the guy in the lab coat as he secured the last of the bonds. "She… uh… escaped. From a mental institute!"

Travis was still sitting on the floor in stunned silence. Iris scuttled over to him and started lapping at his fingers. "Good girl…" He managed weakly. "Nasty lady is… ur… going away…" He ran his fingers through Iris's coat, kneading her neck until she barked. "Good girl…"

"I'll, er… Just take her back then?" He other guy, Doctor… _something_, said hesitantly, adjusting the goggles on his forehead. Quite why he needed the goggles, Travis wasn't sure. Or the weird "tranquilizer gun" (the weirdest one Travis had _ever_ seen) that he was carrying under his arm.

"Uh…" Travis said weakly. "You want a cup of coffee or something?" He got to his feet, dusting himself down and sighing. He went over to the kitchen, Iris following at his heels. His dog looked as spooked as he felt. At least Zoe and baby Jo hadn't there. Jesus!

Travis was just filling the kettle and wondering what had happened to the poor mad girl's face when there was a "whomp!" sound and a bright flash. Travis thought for a moment that one of his spot-lights had blown but once his eyes adjusted he realised the two strangers had miraculously disappeared from his apartment.

He stared, mouth open, at the empty space where the Doctor and the trussed lunatic had been only moments before.

The door opened suddenly, which made Travis jump about a foot out of his own skin.

"Hey honey!" Zoe said, struggling under the weight of the carrycot and her shopping. He rushed to help his wife, Iris barking delightedly. Once they'd deposited baby Jo on the sofa, Travis pulled Zoe into a huge hug.

"Good to see you too!" Zoe chuckled in his ear. "Are you okay?" She said, pulling back with a concerned look.

"Yeah, sure. Why?"

"Because your nose is bleeding."

Travis licked his top lip, tasting iron. "Zo… you are _never_ going to believe what just happened…"

.


End file.
